


Heart to Heart

by OhhMyy



Series: Coming Back To Life. [18]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Language, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 13:28:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8981839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhhMyy/pseuds/OhhMyy
Summary: Bucky wakes up to screams rattling inside of his head. She wakes up to the sound of footsteps outside of her door.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Fillery, angsty, warnings tagged.

She wakes up to the sound of footsteps in the hallway outside the door of her and Natasha’s room; glancing over at her red headed friend who is snoring quietly fast asleep; a happy flutter in her chest briefly as she thinks about how the former assassin had told her she could only sleep soundly near people she trusted, Charlie counts herself incredibly fortunate to be included in that group. She listens closely, sitting up in bed as the footsteps stop right outside for a minute before starting up again. Sighing she pulls back the covers and swings her legs out of bed, careful not to make noise or disturb Natasha. She hops from foot to foot on the cold laminate flooring; forgetting how much temperatures drop at night.

She glances around the room for something warmer to wear but her habit of keeping tidy has bitten her in the ass, she knows if she wants to change she’ll have to open a cupboard and that Natasha might trust her but her instincts are sharp even in sleep. She checks the clock, red numbers flashing that it’s just gone 3am. Still hearing the footsteps she tip toes to the door, opening it and peering her head around the corner. She sees Bucky pacing away but he’s about to turn back around. She exits the bedroom, taking care to close the door quietly behind her.

“Bucky?” She whispers, he stops in his tracks, half turned towards her and she can see him grimace before he turns fully and stares at her like a deer in headlights. His hair is messy, his feet are bare and he’s wearing pyjama bottoms with a baggy hoodie, she can tell he’s been asleep recently but his eyes are drawn and he’s pale. She creeps over to him and he doesn’t move, eyes glassy and she’s not entirely sure he’s completely with it. She places a hand gently on his chest and he shakes his head slowly, eyes moving up towards hers and it’s like he’s back in the room with a flip of a switch.

“Sorry Doll, didn’t mean to wake you” He says it louder than he should and she moves her hand to his arm to guide him downstairs and he trudges beside her. He brings his hand down to grasp hers just as they enter the kitchen/living area and she can feel him trembling slightly, palms clammy. Her heart pounds in her chest.

“James, what’s wrong?”

“Nightmares Doll, don’t worry about it” He drops her grip to grab two beers from the fridge, opening them on the counter lip and hands one to her before perching on a bar stool and taking a swig. His body language is suddenly standoffish and cool. She holds her bottle in hand but doesn’t drink, raising an eyebrow at him. Sighing when he gives her nothing she puts her beer down on the counter and moves forward to wrap her arms around him but he pushes her away and grips his knee tightly with a hand in an effort to steady himself. She can see the shake in his hands now as his thumb digs into the joint in his knee.

“I am worrying about it, talk to me” Her voice is stern but there’s confusion laced in there. He’d been fine all afternoon, joking with the group, holding her hand and peppering her with small kisses, he’d even walked her to her room like an old fashioned gent and kissed her goodnight. He stands quickly, slamming his beer down on the counter harder than intended and he feels tears prick his widening eyes when she takes a step back and hunches her shoulders slightly out of instinct.

There’s a tense silence as he rakes his eyes over, watches her unfurl. His head drops slightly, hair framing his face as he flicks his eyes up to her.

“I’d never hurt you, you know that, right?” He says it so quietly she half thinks he’s saying it for his own reassurance but she squares her shoulders and moves towards him, closing the gap she’d just created. She puts her hand on his arm, squeezes tight enough that he can’t push her away and nods.

“I know” She stresses, keeping her tone even “Talk to me”

“You wanna take a walk with me?” He asks, nodding towards the patio door before looking at her, pleading with his eyes (bloodshot and so much darker than usual). She moves her hand down his arm, never breaking contact and laces her fingers with his, comforting but tight; an indication that she will not let go and he might as well put up with it. She walks him out into the garden, slipping on the flip flops by the door and out of the gate; heading towards the private beach front, never letting go of his fingers.

“I’m sorry” He whispers, leaning into her with his shoulder as his feet hit the sand, soft and dry between his toes and he’s suddenly aware he’s forgone shoes. She motions for him to sit and finally releases his fingers when he lowers himself to the soft yellow shore a few meters from the waves, bringing his knees up gently so he can keep his toes buried in the still warm sand. The moon has illuminated the water and as she looks up, craning her neck backwards so she can see the stars. She takes a deep breath before sitting next to him, nudging his shoulder with hers.

“Sorry for what Bucky? What’s going on?” She looks out towards she sea, hears the waves lapping against beach as the foamy waves crash gently on the sand and breathes in deep; not trying to hide the fact she’s concerned that he’s apologising for something he’s about to do rather than something he’s done; can’t help with feel this is an ‘I’m not good for you’ speech.

“I should have woken Steve up; you shouldn’t have to deal with this shit” She waits for him to continue and when he doesn’t she nudges his shoulder again, turning her head to rest her chin on top of his shoulder, lips inches away from his neck, tilting towards his ear.

“Please don’t shut me out” He inhales deep and long, picks up a handful of sand in his fleshy palm and makes a fist, slowly letting it trickle out, watching it like a timer. He hears her sigh gently against the shell of his ear and her hand comes to rest on his knee.

“More kills than anyone in the history of HYDRA”

She closes her eyes against the pain in his voice and scrapes her teeth against her bottom lip before placing the tiniest of kisses on the on the lower lobe of his ear, whispering lowly.

“Not you Bucky”

“My body” He pauses for a beat before continuing, eyes on the floor in front of him, body tense and unmoved. “I can see it all. It’s not me but I did it, all of it” He says it so matter of factly that for a moment she’s lost for words, she knows what his body has done, and what has been done to it, there is no point insisting he didn’t.

“It’s not your fault James” Her hand is still on his leg but her fingers have wrapped around the joint, squished gently between both of his knees and she squeezes. He turns his head towards her and she moves hers just off of his shoulder, lips inches apart.

“I can see it. I can see them when I sleep and I see you and…” She lifts her head away from him sharply, feels as though she’s been slapped. The slightest hint that she’s somehow made him worse or caused him pain pricks in her head, ringing around with deafening volume despite the lulled noise surrounding them.

“What do you mean you see me?”

“I know what he did to you…I don’t want. I have killed people with my bare hands Charlie. I’ve killed women and fuck I…I’ve hit them and I can’t…I can’t do that to you, I won’t, would _never_ do that to you but I can _see_ it” His breathing is ragged, heavy and loud and he’s turned his head towards the ground, hair hanging loosely at the sides of his face. She can feel her heart breaking as if it were physically made of glass and she has to take a few deep breaths to stop a sob. She’s certain without any hint that there are tears leaving his eyes.

She wiggles her hand between his knees, prompting him to separate them. She moves her body round swiftly and kneels between his legs in one quick move, facing him straight on.

“Bucky”

No response.

“James” She puts her hands on his shoulders, digging her fingers in, meeting resistance on one side where there’s none on the other. She is not sure if there will be bruises on the skin of this shoulder tomorrow but it’s the least of her concerns. He looks up at her through brown locks.

“You are not the things that have been done to you” Her voice is stern but pleading, breaking half way through and she realises how much the words matter to both of them. She lowers her voice down to a whisper and releases his shoulders to move the hair out of his face and behind his ears; keeps her hands on either side of his head as she lifts and holds his gaze to meet hers.

“You are not to blame” She knows that if he is in this with her this will not the last time she has to speak those words, they will be whispered into his skin and screamed in anger and sobbed through cascades of tears but she wants to bury them into him, say them often if that is what it takes. “If you want me to leave I will. I’m your friend at the very least but if you want more I am not going to run from you.”

He holds her eyes with his and takes a shuddering breath in.

“You flinch from me” His voice, full of sadness, contradicts his movements; he moves his knees to rest on the floor and brings his feet together to encircle her, one hand coming up to rest on her lower thigh, flesh on flesh and he feels Goosebumps underneath his fingers.

“I hide from memories James, on instinct but never from you”

“I don’t want to hurt you”

She sighs, grabs his metal hand between her palms and brings it up to her neck, cradled in her hands. He tries to tug it away but she holds firm, staring into his eyes. She forces his fist to unclench, putting his hand round her throat and dropping hers, leaving it there, keeping her eyes trained onto his. She hopes he will understand the gesture; know that she believes all the while James Buchanan Barnes is in control she is safe even in a situation that could be dangerous. That whilst he is himself she will give him every ounce of trust she has not to break her.

“You won’t. I trust you” he slides his metal hand from her neck slowly, running a thumb along the hollow of her throat and brings it around to the back and into her hair, fisting his fingers through it gently. He chokes on a sob, words dying in his throat and he can’t look at her anymore. She shuffles closer, his hand dropping from her hair as she does and she strokes her fingers through his, bringing his head to hers so she can rest her lips against the crown.

“I trust you”

They stay in the same position for what feels like eternity but in reality can’t be longer than half an hour because the sun still isn’t up; sky still dark cerulean blue and dotted with stars. He lifts his head and presses his forehead against hers, pecking the tip of her nose with a soft kiss. She shivers, only half from the cold, and he brings his head back to look at her; suddenly aware that she’s wearing a thin, loose, white vest and pyjama shorts that don’t reach her knees. He curses himself for not noticing before, knows they must have sat on the cooling sand for too long.

“Shit Doll, you’re gonna freeze” She laughs quietly but flicks her eyes warily over his face, checking to see if he’s fully back. She reaches for the zip on his hoodie, pulling it down slowly to give him chance to stop her and she slides her cold hands inside when he doesn’t, pushing it apart and opening it fully. He startles as her icy fingers brush his bare skin, having forgone a shirt in his haste to escape.  

She pushes him down gently so he’s lying on the sand and wraps her arms around his bare waist, holding the hoodie closed around them as much as possible as she lays her head on his chest, feels sparse hair against her cheek. His flesh hand has come around her to hold her still and he presses it firmly into the dip in her waist to keep her warm, large hands covering from hip to rib. She brings one leg up and over his thighs and snuggles in as he brings the metal arm around her hips, hand resting on bare flesh.  She listens to the steady thrumming of his heart with one ear and the waves with the other; calming and electric in the same beat.

“I can see it too, you know, when I fall asleep” He tries to sit up but she holds firm, unmoving from the semi-warm cocoon she’s developed; instead he lifts his head to look at her lying on him.

She’s like Tony in this way, he thinks, hard outer shell and tough exterior surrounded by jokes and humour with megawatt smiles but she shakes and shivers with nerves, second guessing herself every step of the way beneath mothering and fussing over him, over Tony, over everyone; he wonders idly if reassuring other people is the only thing holding her up.

“But I’m here with you, and I’m safe. You’re safe, I promise.”

He pulls her tighter, half content to stay like this forever and half aware he needs to get both of them back to the house before they freeze or develop an audience (He wonders idly if Tony will bring the bucket of water). He thanks his lucky stars for the fact Stark owns a bloody beach front but the idea of being found like this even by their friends isn’t exactly comforting. The heat in the air is picking up slightly but it’s definitely not warm yet

“Charlie?” He whispers, leaning his head back down to the sand, enjoying the peace before he insists they move.

“Mm?” She turns her head on his chest to look up at him, chin resting on the dip between pectoral muscles and she feels them shift under her, hard panes of muscle contracting and shifting as his breaths even out. For as serious as the situation is she finds herself resisting the urge to bite them; understanding the phrase ‘good enough to eat’.

“I’d like more” She smiles at him, pressing a kiss to the exposed skin near his collar and his eyes close and he lets out a content sigh.

“Me too”

 

 

 

 


End file.
